Editorials

Why I (Finally) Chose Therapy

I resisted therapy for decades. It wasn’t as if I didn’t have problems, but like a lot of people, I thought I was doing just fine without help. I could always come up with an excuse to avoid being in therapy. I told myself it was because I didn’t have the time or the money, but the real reason was that I was scared of being that vulnerable. 

“I resisted therapy for decades. It wasn’t as if I didn’t have problems, but like a lot of people, I thought I was doing just fine without help.”

       When my husband of twenty-two years died, I still resisted. Hopelessly devastated and lost, I made a few half-hearted attempts to look for a grief support group. But when I found one, I told myself it didn’t really fit my needs. I was lucky enough to have friends who were therapists, and they helped me make it through, but somewhere in the back of my head, I knew it wasn’t enough.

      I wrote about my husband and our lives together, and it helped to sort through the experiences Michael and I shared, but I still found myself awake at 4:00 am wondering if I was doing it right. Was I grieving him correctly? Was I sad enough? Was I moving on with my life too quickly?

      Two years later, I met a sweet man named Marty, promptly fell in love, and moved across the country to build a new life. I was deliriously happy for a few months, and then words began to escape me. Suddenly, they wouldn’t come into my head when I needed them—words like “door,” “description,” and “crab cake.” I wondered if I was losing my mind.

      After weeks of panic and pretending nothing was wrong, I decided to get an MRI, but having my head examined revealed nothing out of the ordinary. I made an appointment with a psychologist and underwent a battery of tests designed to uncover holes in my memory. When I heard the young man who administered them assure me that my memory was light years ahead of many of the patients he saw every day, I was both enormously relieved and mystified.

    “If I don’t have dementia or, at the very least, aphasia, what the hell is wrong with me?” I asked Dr. Richards as I sat in his office for the follow-up consultation. He just smiled and said, “Considering what you’ve been through in the last couple of years, it isn’t surprising that you’ve been having problems with word-finding. My suggestion is that you find a good therapist to help you work through the anxiety and depression you’ve been feeling. I can make a few recommendations if you’d like.”

     And that’s when I decided it was time to give therapy a try. My GP recommended Helen, a psychotherapist he’d worked with in the past, and with a thundering heart, I went to my first session. Instead of clamming up like I thought I would, I didn’t shut up for the entire fifty minutes. I cried. I talked about missing Michael and adjusting to living with someone new. Then, I eagerly made an appointment for the following week because I had so much more to say.

       Since starting my therapeutic journey a year ago, my ability to word-find has improved, and I’ve discovered what it is to have someone in my corner—a guide on the side if you will. I’ve also learned a thing or two about myself–that the feelings of lingering sadness over the husband I lost will recede over time, and that’s okay. I’ve learned that I’m not too fond of it when things get out of control, but I have the wherewithal to deal with them when they do. I’ve learned that I deserve to ask for what I want, that I need to put myself in someone else’s shoes more often and to choose anger less. But the most important thing being in therapy has taught me is how to become a better human being, and for me, that’s one of the most important life lessons of all.

       If you’re experiencing grief or loss, talking with a therapist can help you deal with these feelings and move forward with your life without losing your connection to the one you lost.  If you’re looking for support in dealing with grief or developing positive relationships with others or yourself, the therapists at [Your Agency Name Here] can help. Give us a call today to get started.

Case Studies

Five Signs You Have Attachment Issues

Monica and Jim have been together for many years and love each other very much, yet each feels the other isn’t meeting their emotional needs. Monica accuses Jim of being distant just when she needs reassurance that he will always be there. Jim responds by telling Monica that her constant demands for affirmation are smothering him and that all he wants is a little time to himself.

      Like all couples, Monica and Jim bring unique personality traits, years of life experience, and the bonds they formed in childhood to their relationship, affecting how they relate to each other. Monica’s parents were often overwhelmed by the demands of raising a large family with little money in the bank. When she leaned in for a hug or tried to crawl onto her father’s lap, she might get a kiss one day but be told she needed to “go out and play because I have a briefcase full of work to do before tomorrow” the next.

      When Jim was growing up, his mother didn’t seem to know what to do when he came to her in tears. When he tried to hug his dad after his father came home from a business trip, his dad’s response was to quickly pull away and ask if Jim had grown taller while he was away.

    Because of her parents’ on-again, off-again emotional availability, Monica learned to constantly scan her environment for signs of abandonment. Due to his parents’ lack of affection, Jim learned that wearing his emotions on his sleeve wouldn’t get him anywhere, and the only one he could depend on for support, protection, and acceptance was himself. 

     In this blog, you’ll learn what attachment issues are, differing attachment styles, what causes them, how they can affect relationships, how to tell if you have attachment problems, and how to deal with them in a healthy way.

What are the different types of attachment styles?

There are four primary ways people bond with each other. These are based on a person’s attitudes and behaviors. 

1. A person with a Secure Attachment Style feels good about themselves and others. They’re okay with both intimacy and independence, resulting in stable and satisfying relationships.
2. While individuals with an Anxious Attachment Style seek intimacy, approval, and responsiveness from their partners, they still feel insecure in their relationships.
3. Those with an Avoidant Attachment Style value self-reliance and may appear indifferent when it comes to getting close to other people.
4. Even though those who experience a Disorganized Attachment Style would like to be close to those they care about, they’re afraid of getting hurt and have mixed feelings about being in a relationship.

What are the five signs I have attachment issues?

You may have attachment issues if:

1. You need a lot of reassurance that those you love really care about you.

You’re constantly worried that your friends and family will abandon you. You’re afraid they will walk out of your life even though they haven’t given you any sign that this is likely to happen. This constant need for reassurance may result in frustration from those who don’t understand what’s happening with you.

• You’re constantly taking the temperature of your romantic relationships.

Your childhood has taught you that the affection and support of those you love only happen on a catch-as-catch-as-catch-can basis. No matter how well things are actually going, you constantly wait for the other shoe to drop and the person you depend on most to turn their back on you. You never feel secure in your romantic relationships. Even when everything is going perfectly, you still have a nagging fear that the person you love will leave you. 

• You’re thin-skinned when you think others are criticizing you.

An off-hand request for a behavioral change from your partner can result in fear of abandonment. It’s almost impossible for you to understand that even though those you love ask you to change how you do things, they still love you and want to be around you. Feeling that you’ve disappointed your partner so much that they want to leave, you pull away to avoid getting hurt even more.

• You don’t like to depend on others.

Since your childhood has taught you that you’re essentially alone in the world, you believe that your sense of independence is the most essential tool in your arsenal when dealing with life and relationships. But the reality is that everybody needs help once in a while, and your attachment issues may be stopping you from asking for the help you need.

• You start walking in the opposite direction when anyone tries to get close to you.

Even though you want a close relationship you can depend on, you fear it simultaneously. Since you can’t face the abandonment you’re sure will result if you take the risk of a relationship, you choose not to let anyone in. When people try to connect with you emotionally, you respond by pulling away and shutting down, resulting in the very abandonment you’re trying to avoid.

Conclusion

Our current relationships are influenced by those we experienced in our childhood. If we learned that love and acceptance are a precarious proposition when we were young, we respond by continuously searching for reassurance. We try to pull ourselves up by our own bootstraps or avoid relationships all together because we’re afraid of the rejection we’re sure will result. But if we learn to face our fears, communicate openly, set boundaries and are willing to take steps toward change, we can create a sense of security in our relationships that allows us a vibrant sense of intimacy and mutual independence.

       If you’re dealing with attachment issues in your relationship, the therapists at [Your Agency Name Here] can help.

References

Kim, John, LMFT, (2024, November 11). The Truth About Attachment Styles. Psychologytoday.com. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-angry-therapist/202410/the-truth-about-attachment-styles

Koehler, Jessica.Ph.D., (2024, March 16). Overcoming Attachment Problems. Psychologytoday.com. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/beyond-school-walls/202403/overcoming-attachment-problems

Menachem, Seth, LMFT, (2022, March 22) Signs You Have Attachment Issues. Menachempsychotherapygroup.com. https://menachempsychotherapygroup.com/5-signs-you-have-attachment-issues/

 

 

 

 

 

 

Cutting Edge Essays

Overcoming Imposture Syndrome

Ever wake up at 4:00 am feeling overwhelmed by some new responsibility at work and think, “I’m a total fraud. And what’s more, if my boss knew how incapable and talentless I really am, I’d be out of a job in five minutes flat? If so, you’re not alone. Imposter Syndrome, also known as Imposter Phenomenon or Imposterism, is that nagging feeling that lingers in the back of your mind, telling you you’re inept or inadequate despite all evidence to the contrary.

In this blog, you’ll learn how this phenomenon can present in your life and the strategies you need to overcome Imposter Syndrome.

Just what is Imposter Syndrome anyway?

Susan has been fretting for weeks because she doesn’t think she’s got what it takes to direct this year’s community playhouse production of The Glass Menagerie. She’s convinced she’ll never be able to cast, let alone corral, the herd of egos she knows are involved in mounting such a complex production. She doubts her capabilities, even though she directed a successful production of Plaza Suite with the same company just last year. Susan is experiencing Imposter Syndrome. Simply put, Imposterism is characterized by continuous feelings of self-doubt, inadequacy, and fraudulence that refuse to leave despite evidence of accomplishments.

What causes Imposter Syndrome?

Imposter Phenomenon stems from anxiety and low self-esteem, that can be exacerbated by a perfectionist streak, sometimes drummed into our heads by a highly critical parent. Imposterism often surfaces because we’re overwhelmed by new responsibilities, such as diving into the uncharted waters of becoming a manager for the first time. It’s not surprising that when we face these unfamiliar challenges, we suddenly begin to doubt our ability to conquer them, even if we have transferable skills, were successful at similar tasks in the past and are supported by those who believe we’re capable of accomplishing them in the future.

What are the symptoms of Imposter Syndrome?

Beyond generalized feelings of self-doubt, inadequacy, and fraudulence, there are a number of other signs of Imposterism as well:

• Incapability of honestly assessing your abilities. With clear thought clouded by anxiety and a brain overwhelmed by unfamiliar or daunting tasks, it’s no wonder that people with Imposter Syndrome don’t find it easy to assess their skills and abilities in a clear-eyed way.
• Giving credit for your accomplishments to factors outside yourself. This is the I-just-got-lucky or the-stars-aligned attribution of success. Rather than squarely putting the reason for their achievements in their corner, these individuals credit factors outside themselves.
• Belittling your performance. Another way of discounting abilities, belittling, occurs when an individual has accomplished what they set out to do but tells themselves that if only they’d done things differently, the outcome would’ve been perfect.
• Fear of not living up to the picture others have of you. This occurs when a person becomes paralyzed by the feeling that they’re not up to the task because whatever they do, they’ll inevitably disappoint those around them.
•  Overachieving. The overachiever is plagued by the feeling that despite completing a task successfully, they should’ve done more.
• Setting impossible goals and berating ourselves when we don’t meet them. This is the setting themselves up for failure approach. These individuals saddle themselves with humanly impossible objectives and then beat themselves up when they can’t manage to meet them, only increasing their sense of inadequacy in an ever-spinning vicious circle.
• Measuring yourself against others. Instead of trusting in their knowledge and capabilities, these individuals continually look to the accomplishments and abilities of those around them to measure their success and always find themselves wanting.
• Distrusting your instincts. Imposter syndrome not only causes the individual to doubt what they can do despite what they’ve accomplished in the past but also to doubt their feelings about what’s likely to happen in the future based on their experiences in similar circumstances.

What are some coping tips I can use to overcome Imposter Syndrome?

• Stop listening to the voice in your head that says you can’t do anything right.  Instead, listen to what others say about your skills, knowledge, and accomplishments. Don’t negate the compliments you receive by telling yourself, “They’re just being nice.”  Like everything else in your life, other people are more objective about you than you. Others believe in you; it’s time to believe in yourself.
• Consider your accomplishments. If you’re feeling overwhelmed by what you have on your plate, make a mental list of the times when you got things right. Think about the instances when you made a difference in the lives of those around you.
• Back peddle: When all you can focus on is what you’re afraid you won’t be able to accomplish in the future, try concentrating on the successes you’ve already achieved. Focus on what you’ve learned from these experiences and how that knowledge will help you succeed in the challenges ahead.
• List it. When thoughts like, “I can’t do anything right,” insert themselves in your head, try writing down the things you’re good at, okay at, and the things you do really well. This will not only help you look at what you see as weaknesses differently but also remind you of your strengths.
• Make the trophy case. Collect trophies commemorating your successes and display them in a place where you can see them every day, such as your desk or workspace. Awards, thank-you notes, and diplomas can go a long way toward bolstering belief in your skills, experience, and knowledge. Jotting down a completed project or compliment can also boost your confidence.
• Don’t play the zero-sum game. Just because you don’t hit it out of the park every time you try to do something new doesn’t mean you’re a failure. Setting smaller, achievable goals will make the process go along more smoothly and give you incremental accomplishments to celebrate. Remember, setbacks are an opportunity to retool and learn.
• Make Peace with imperfection. Success can be achieved in less-than-perfect ways. Figure out how to recognize when things will be okay without being perfect and allow yourself to put on the breaks at that point. If you keep working at it until you’ve reached perfection, you risk exhaustion and burnout.

Conclusion

Imposter Syndrome can be a stealthy thief when it comes to our confidence in the experience, brain power, and talents we possess. It causes us to doubt what we know is true based on our past experiences, find ourselves wanting when we compare our accomplishments to those around us, and beat ourselves up if we don’t do things perfectly. But if we look to the achievements of the past instead of focusing on what we’re afraid will happen in the future, collect the tangible trophies of our success, and learn from our mistakes instead of berating ourselves for making them, maybe we can begin to believe in the real us and count on the talents we’ve had inside all along.

      If you sometimes feel like a fraud or doubt your capabilities despite evidence to the contrary, the therapists at [Your Angency Name Here] can help.

References

Azab, Marwah, PhD, (2023, August 9). 5 Overcome Imposter Syndrome: 6 Evidence-Based Strategies. PsychologyToday. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/neuroscience-in-everyday-life/202308/overcoming-imposter-syndrome-6-evidence-based-strategies

Boardman, Samantha, MD, (2023, March 10). 5 Ways to Overcome Imposter Syndrome. PsychologyToday. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/positive-prescription/202303/5-ways-to-overcome-imposter-syndrome

Cunic, Arlin, MA, (2024, September 23). Is Imposter Syndrome Holding You Back from Living Your Best Life. Verywellmind.com. https://www.verywellmind.com/imposter-syndrome-and-social-anxiety-disorder-4156469

 

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